Like many companies, the place I work has an annual holiday party. Ours happens to be tonight, and I've already decided there is NO way I'll be drinking at this swaray.
When I drink, I get extra chatty. I never say anything that bad, but I open up and say things that I just wish people didn't hear me say. It's mostly things about my beliefs or my past that aren't necessarily bad, but aren't anyone's business either. So when the booze hits me I decide everything is everyone's business and I wake up wondering, "Why? Why can't I be the funny, ambiguous drunk?" Oh I'm funny, but WAY too open. Plus, because I am stressed by the wedding, I'm irritated and one should not drink at a company party while irritated. Drinking alone while irritated on the pissed soaked couch because your cat has issues with couches and thinks it's okay to piss on them and not chairs, is okay. The worse you'll do is get chummy with people on Facebook you could give two shits about. Drinking while irritated at the company party and saying lots of bitchy things to people you have to see every day- not good.
In fact, I've come up with a list of bitchy things that may or may not come out of my mouth if I choose to drink.
1. Hey assistant! I know I gave you an ornament that says, "Best Assistant," but I want it back because you suck. As I've told you before, it's weird and inappropriate to have your girlfriend in the classroom. You live with her for chrissakes! Chances are you'll see her again this evening! You're 30 grow up, it isn't social hour.
2. Hey apple on stilts (aka the assistant's girlfriend)! One may ask, "Why do you call her an apple on stilts?" Well my dear friend, because she has a round torso, but wears really tall heels so she looks like she has long legs, hence looking like an apple on stilts. But anyway, back to my rant. It's creepy that you are in my classroom so often. I was background checked to be here, what credentials do you have? Just because you sleep with my assistant doesn't mean you belong here. You've been dating this douche for what, 10 years. Wake up, he has no plans of marrying you. Unless you're one of those pathetic girls who hopes her boyfriend will finally do what you want, get a clue. He isn't going to marry you and no matter how many times you try to show you're good with kids. He just isn't going to marry you. You may be an apple on stilts, but I'm sure there is some poor bastard out there that will. Maybe some day you'll find your pear on stilts, but until then, stay the hell out of my room!
3. Hey other assistant whose kid is in my class. You need a wake up call. Your kid needs help at home! Saying, "I am going to do it at the New Year" is bullshit. Being a good mom shouldn't be a New Year's resolution. Work with her now. I understand I'm the teacher, but get real, you work with kids, you know there needs to be something going on at home. Your child has three letters in her name and two look similar and yet I had to work with her for 2 weeks in order for her to do it right! Wtf! Admitting you're a slacker parent doesn't make you a good parent. It isn't means you're making excuses for being a shitty parent.
4. Hey glorified janitor...er, I mean building engineer. You're a douche. You may be all handsome on the outside, but you are total douche on the inside. First, do your job! And I don't mean months after the building request was put in. Second, stop hitting on me. I'm not interested. I'm getting married asshole. Plus, if you ever threw a temper tantrum, like you do in the office, around me, I'll knock the shit out of you.
5. Hey big boss man! I want a raise! As much as you check me out and as awkward as it is for me to talk to you, let alone say your name (whoever decided a male genitalia should be a name should be punched in the face), I deserved to be paid more! I'm one of the only people here actually certified so give me more money!
So there ya go 5 reasons as to why I'm NOT drinking at the company party.
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